24 Laws of Golf
No matter how bad your last shot was, you should have Inner Peace knowing
that a shittier one is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th
hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of
a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst
round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of
people you tell about the former.
Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the
lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater
its attraction to water. Expensive clubs have been known to be partly made
with this most unusual natural alloy.
Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree
is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an
A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your
group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a
football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS
agent - or some similar combination.
All 3-woods are demon-possessed. Your Mother in Law does not come close.
Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly
out of bounds or into the water. See LAW 3.
The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to
what it really should be.
Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.
Since bad shots come in groups of three, your fourth consecutive bad shot
is really the beginning of the next group of three.
If it isn't broke, try changing your grip.
It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you're lying 8.
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like
expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
It's not a gimme if you're still 4 feet away.
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a
straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large
You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of
Every Time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make a double or
triple bogey to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to use it
to lay up just short of a water hazard.
There are two things you can learn by stopping your back swing at the top
and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and
which one is wearing the glove.
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
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